Going on a poo hunt before visitors appear.

I swear at times my children purposely set out to sabotage my efforts to look like a mummy who is in control.

My friend was coming to visit one morning. I had spent the day before cleaning and tidying the house. The house looked immaculate before I went to bed. Phew. There was every chance that I was going to pull this off. We looked like ‘normal’ people.

In the morning I got up, gave the kids breakfast and successfully got rid of the evidence. Brilliant. All I had to do was have my shower. I would even have time to sit down and have a cup of tea and breathe before my friend arrived.

Off I popped to have a shower.

Once dressed I excitedly came down to make a cup of tea feeling proud of my still clean house. My daughter came running to meet me and said ‘poo mummy, poo’ before running away from me. As she turned I noticed her white vest was smeared with poo across the top of the nappy line and all down one side and around the leg hole. Poonami! Of course it was time for a poonami everything was going far too well up until that point.

I scooped her up and went to do her bum. During the clean up it hit me just what a huge task lay before me. Poo was smeared all down her leg and under her foot. Everywhere she had sat, walked and leant against would have a delightful covering of poo! Having been in the shower at the time I had no idea where she had been or what she had touched. That meant I had one hour to inspect the whole of the downstairs and clean up any smears of poo. My mind was racing. When did she poo? At worse she had had fifteen minutes to spread the poo around. She could cause a lot of damage in fifteen minutes.

After bum time, I raced downstairs and explained the magnitude of the situation to my son. Picking up on my panic he took great delight in telling me that he saw her sitting and laying on all the cushions of the sofa and rolling on the floor and scooting on her bum up the hall. Arghhhhh. It’s worse than I thought.

I looked at the clock and could feel the panic rising. I’m going to fail. I’m going to look like a failure who can’t keep a tidy house.

The disposable gloves came on, the Dettol was out and I whizzed through the house on a poo hunt.

Excitedly the kids joined in running around finding marks which they jumped up and down at exclaiming poo, poo. Thankfully all of the poo turned out to be chocolate or just the grain in the wooden floor. As a precaution I washed the floors and any hard surfaces.

Thankfully since having her own child time keeping is not one of my friend’s strong points. Luckily she arrived an hour and fifteen minutes later than expected. Result. The house looked immaculate again, the kids were worn out from all of the excitement and charging around and were sitting quietly at the table colouring in.

Although sweaty from my epic clean and feeling like my nerves had been through a shredder I had done it. We looked like a ‘normal’ family who live in a respectably clean, tidy home.

It was all going swimmingly right up until the point when my son says

“oh look mummy,” whilst pointing, ”I can see poo on the carpet.”

“No darling,” I nervously laugh, “don’t be silly that is chocolate.” I get a wipe and thankfully it is just chocolate.

“Well it could have been poo couldn’t it mummy because earlier my sister did a poo and it exploded out of her nappy like a volcano. Poo came shooting out in the air landing everywhere.” He then helpfully ran around making ‘pow’ noises and demonstrating with his hands exactly how it flew through the air.

“What vivid imaginations they have I laugh.” My friend laughs in agreement. My son just looks quizzically at me.

I think we got away with it…just.

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