Tips for a well behaved toddler when out and about

I don’t have a magic wand and can’t promise that if you follow the steps below your child will magically transform into an angel 24/7 but I can promise that their behaviour will significantly improve and that the number of tantrums that they throw while out in public will decrease.

1. Explain to the children where you are going and why.

Children are able to comprehend a lot more than most adults give them credit for. Just like adults, children like to be kept informed. Tell your child regardless of how young they are where you are going and why. Yes that includes a newborn.

Put yourself in their shoes. If you were happily playing at home and suddenly you were shoved into a car seat and then strapped into a trolley would you be happy? As far as they know you may be here all day long. When you get home it may be bed time and all of the fun things they had planned to do that day won’t be happening. I’d throw a tantrum over that.

2. Explain to them how much time it will take.

Now most kids have a pretty pants concept of time but you need to put it into some kind of context for them that makes sense. If it is a quick activity my children are given the times in TV shows. Such as, this will take as long as 2 episodes of Octonaughts. Or if longer than that I explain that when we have finished we will still have time to go the park before lunch or to go home and play with their toys before lunch etc. Basically they want to know if this is the only activity of the day or just a part of it.

3. Set the expectations

Before leaving the house, tell the children the behaviour that you expect to see. Just saying I want ‘good’ behaviour is not clear enough. What does good behaviour look like? Pretend they are an alien and you won’t go too far wrong.

You may want to include things like we are going to be crossing the roads. When we get to a road you must hold my hand because roads are dangerous. Or when we are shopping you must hold on to the trolley to make sure I don’t lose you.

If you can give a reason for the desired behaviour even better as once again it makes more sense. If it makes sense they are more likely to do as you have asked. If someone told you not to swim in the sea and it was a hot day and you were at the beach I bet most people would ignore that instruction and swim anyway but if you are told the reason is because there is a shark in the water you probably would follow the instruction.

Don’t fall into the trap of telling your child what you do not want to see. If I say to you don’t think of a pink fluffy poodle. I know that you are now thinking of a pink fluffy poodle. It has the opposite effect of what you are trying to achieve. So always mention what you do want to see. Everything can always be turned into a do instead of a don’t. E.g. Don’t climb on there – Stand here. Don’t run off – Stay by my side. If you can throw a bit of fun into the instruction even better. Stand here as straight as a soldier.

4. Remember you are in charge so sound like it

Your words needs to match your intention. Are you actually asking a question where there is a choice or are you giving an order? Would you like to get into the car? That always leaves you open to a no. Similarly, Can you get into the car also implies that there is a choice and they have the power to decide. Get into the car, is very clear. There is no option. Lots of people worry that they are being rude. You are not being rude you are being unambiguous.

Also beware of where you use please and thank you. There is a tendency to use please and thank you lots out of politeness but this can also give mixed messages. Put your shoes on please. It seems like a harmless enough sentence but by adding the please on the end you are implying that it is something that you would like them to do for you and that once again they have a choice. Please is often used at the end of a question and often when asking a favour. Could you get me a drink please? Like saying don’t think of a pink poodle as soon as you add the please your brain instantly thinks there is a choice.

Instead save the please and thank you for when they have done something that warrants it. Can you get me a nappy please? Thank you. I could get the nappy myself but it would be easier if they got it for me and I would be thankful but it is not essential for them to do that task.

5. What are the rewards and sanctions?

Tell them the reward they will have if they display the desired behaviour and the sanction if they do not display the desired behaviour. When we talk about rewards I do not mean a physical item. Firstly, if your house is anything like mine there is probably a sea of child related toot trying to take over your once calm and tidy home. You don’t want to be introducing more toot every time you set foot out of your door. Secondly, you don’t want to teach your child that they should only do something if they are rewarded for it with a physical gift. Not a good lesson for life.

Instead the reward may be that you play a board game with them when you get home. Or they can go to the park. Or you will play dinosaurs etc. The trick is to reward with something that isn’t out of your normal routine. You don’t want to start promising food as that will start planting the seed for a bad relationship with food in the future. You also don’t want to reward with a later bedtime as you know that will be painful for you and what if you had a lot of errands to run that day and needed to add lots of minutes they would stay up really late and be a nightmare the next day.

Great care needs to be taken with your sanctions as well. Remember the idea is to punish the child not yourself. You need to start small and think before you open your mouth. Don’t tell them that they will not have a holiday that year as that means you aren’t having a holiday that year either! It should be something like when we go to the park you won’t be allowed to take your bike. Or when we get home your dinosaur toy will be taken away for the rest of the morning. Don’t say you will take the dinosaur away forever. That will just mean you need to buy them a new toy as they won’t have anything to play with.

6. You must follow through

Whatever sanction you set has to be followed through with. This is why you need to think carefully about it before you say it. Don’t blurt something out in the heat of the moment that you later regret.

Children like and need consistency. They will test you to see if you follow through. Your lack of consistency will make your life harder in the long run not easier. If you said you would take away a toy for an hour but cave in after 15minutes of screaming and give it back your child has learnt that you don’t mean what you say. Worse than that they have learnt that all they have to do is throw a tantrum for 15minutes and you will then give them what they want.

Sadly if you have given in to your child’s demands in the past then you have a long road ahead to retrain your child that what you say you mean.

After a few tantrums and once they realise that no means no and there is always a consequence and it is always followed through with, the tantrums diminish as it is pointless. They realise that no amount of screaming will alter the situation and it isn’t worth them wasting their time.

7. Be prepared to go home

When my son was first pushing the boundaries and we had had a couple of tricky days with him making me late for work by not doing as he was told, I planned an outing with the intention of going home. I told him we were going to the shops (I’d had a shopping delivery that morning) and that later we were going to the park (I had no intention of going to the park that day). Of course as he had on the two previous days he started to not listen to the instructions and do as he was told. So after a few steps down the road we turned around and went home and didn’t go out for the rest of the day. He was so shocked. I only did it the once but it was enough. Anytime his behaviour is completely unacceptable I say if it continues we are going home now. Instantly, it always stops. However, as mentioned above I would take him home if it continued so I wouldn’t make that threat on the way to work as I can’t follow through.

Once a child knows that they won’t be allowed to go out in public and behave a certain way then they stop doing it. Your child has learnt what is and isn’t acceptable by the way you react to it.

Here are the above steps in action:

1. When going to the supermarket earlier today I told my children that we were going shopping to buy food for the week as we are running out of things to eat.

2. I told them when we got home there would still be enough time to play in the garden in the sand pit before lunch and that in the afternoon I wasn’t taking them anywhere so they could do whatever they wanted.

3. And 4. I told them that they needed to hold onto the trolley so that I didn’t lose them. They needed to get the items I said and put them carefully into the trolley. They needed to use their quiet voices so that they didn’t wake up the sleeping babies and make the mummies cross. They needed to count the shopping as I packed to make sure I didn’t leave anything behind.

Giving them a job at a supermarket is a must. They behave so much better when they have a purpose and are part of the process. Even if it’s a made up job, like counting the items into the bags. I don’t know how many items I’ve bought and they can’t count that high but they don’t know that.

5. The reward was that we could get the bikes out in the garden when we got home. The sanction was that they wouldn’t be allowed to hold their chosen item whilst shopping. For my daughter this was her back pack and for my son an umbrella.

6. On this occasion there was no need to follow through as they both followed the rules.

7. If need be we would have abandoned the trolley and left.

Of course your child will still throw a tantrum every now and again as they are still learning but hopefully the ones that leave you red faced and embarrassed when out and about will be a thing of the past.

#modelbehaviour #goodbehaviour #tantrums #reducetantrums #outwithchildren