Be your own kind of beautiful!

This isn’t one of those let’s all pretend that we love our bodies but really don’t type of posts.

I felt compelled to write this after chatting to my gorgeous friend recently and realising that she has such a low opinion of herself. Her skin is exquisite. It has a delicate sun kissed quality that radiates a healthy luminous glow. She has huge Bambi like eyes that twinkle when she smiles and laughs. I would love to have those qualities. How could anyone with those qualities not think they were utterly gorgeous? Why does she not see what I see?

It is because of her standard of beauty. She is falling way short of what she perceives beauty to be.

What a waste!

I think hearing her views had such a profound effect on me because it reminded me of a younger uneducated girl that I knew very well. Me.

It saddens me to think back to the girl who didn’t appreciate what she had. I was chasing an unattainable standard of beauty. I wasn’t happy as I didn’t look how I thought I should. I wasted so many hours comparing myself to others and wishing and hoping that as I continued to grow my body would resemble other ‘perfect’ girls.

I had read things in magazines about loving yourself no matter how you looked but I didn’t believe it. It’s not hard to see why I had such a hard time loving myself when the article on the pages either side of this one were how to lose weight, how to cut your hair, how to do your make-up to get the guy you want. All around me I was being fed messages that beauty looked a certain way and that if you didn’t match the criteria you weren’t beautiful. Not only that, I was being told that I could only be beautiful if other people perceived me to be beautiful. My self-worth was wrapped up in if the boys at school fancied me!

I am literally rolling my eyes as I’m writing this. The above statements are wrong on so many levels and make me cringe but it was honestly what I believed back then.

Society conditions women to compare and measure themselves against other women. Why? Why can’t I appreciate the fact that my friend has amazing skin without feeling really rubbish about my own skin?

Then my thoughts turned to my own daughter. I don’t want her to grow up thinking the thoughts I had. It’s so damaging.

When I was younger one of the fashionable standards of beauty at the time was to have a flat stomach (it probably still is, I don’t know or care anymore). I spent so many hours doing sit ups and leg raises in the hope of getting a flat stomach. I used to go on healthy eating drives counting calories and cutting down on foods that would bloat my tummy. I spent hours looking in the mirror, breathing in thinking vile thoughts about inadequacy. My mum used to tell me I looked amazing clearly seeing what I do now when I look back at pictures but I didn’t believe her. How could I when what I saw in the mirror repulsed me?

Among other things I wanted smaller hips and straight hair. These feelings were further amplified when my first boyfriend told me that my hips were massive and maybe I should cut down a bit and that my hair was too puffy.

I can’t blame him for not appreciating how great I looked, as I didn’t appreciate any of it either. I had the perfect body and didn’t realise as I was so busy focusing on the parts that I didn’t like desperately trying to change them. Fool!

I can’t remember when I started to reject the programming from my past but I am so thankful that I did. I don’t have the body that I did. Back then it was a million times better but I honestly do love my body now.

At some point I realised that I wasn’t going to have a flat stomach. I was never going to have the body I saw on the front of magazines. The flat stomach comes with small hips and a different frame. Other parts came from skilled surgeons and I was never going to save up enough money to get those (although for years I always thought that I would!) Yes, their bodies were amazing but so was mine.

I don’t have a flat stomach because that’s not what I have been given. Those wide hips that I used to hate perfectly balance out my wide shoulders which contrast with and compliment my small waist. I am an hourglass. I am the perfect size for my frame and shape.

Once I realised that I was an hourglass, I stopped wearing clothes that did absolutely nothing for my figure but looked great on girls with that particular figure to match. Instead, I started wearing clothes that fit and compliment my shape. I felt amazing. I looked in the mirror and liked what I saw.

Instead of fighting my naturally curly hair I stopped straightening it and instead worked with it to enhance the waves and curls. It looked amazing.

Instead of following the new make-up craze of the time I learnt what my skin needs were and where and how to apply make-up to enhance my face shape and features and not try to hide them.

It seems so ridiculous now that I was constantly trying to change myself and alter my appearance to match other people. Funnily enough, I look my best when I celebrate what I have instead of trying to hide/obscure parts of my body.

When I was younger I lived for validation from others and tried so hard to seek it. Now I couldn’t care less what other people think of me. Ironically, I get way more compliments now than I did back then. Even though I was way better looking back then but had no clue. I think that is the key. When you are truly happy with yourself and don’t need validation from others to make you feel good, you get a sense of confidence that can’t be faked. I still see so many gorgeous girls and women who lack confidence and it shows. I don’t have the best body but my confidence and happiness elevates my look.

Once you stop trying to change yourself, and work with what you have, you develop a new sense of confidence. It’s a true love for yourself that wasn’t there before. You also have lots more energy. It’s exhausting spending so much time and energy trying to change and hating yourself.

Funnily enough, your hair colour perfectly matches your eye colour, skin tone etc. Once you start messing around with one you end up having to change them all. You were created as a masterpiece exactly as you are. However, if you judge and compare yourself to something else of course you are going to fall short.

It’s like if you were comparing an orange to an apple. The orange would feel terrible and have unrealistic beauty expectations that they could never reach. The orange would want smooth shiny skin like the apple. The orange would want pale firm flesh like the apple. It’s obvious in this context that the orange is never going to feel good. But if the orange were to compare itself to an orange well, it is gorgeous and excels in all areas of beauty.

All shapes are beautiful if you judge them on their own merit. Top heavy, no one can rock a v neck like you! Bottom heavy, you have a fantastic round behind. Short, you are petite and dainty and have elfin like qualities. Tall, you have long willowy limbs. Who wouldn’t want these qualities? It is all down to your focus and how you are choosing to view and judge yourself. So do yourself a favour, change the lens and focus on your true beauty.

Whatever you have, start working with it rather than fighting against it. I promise you the moment you start doing this everything changes and it won’t be a fake I love my body but secretly looking in the mirror and still loathing it, it will be a genuine love and appreciation.