Is stress inevitable in a stressed world?

Today’s world is a noisy fast paced chaotic stress fest. We are constantly bombarded with impatient demands both at work at home and via our phones. Did anyone else feel the pressure building opening hundreds of ‘quick buy it now, last chance, don’t miss out black Friday deal’ emails?

Have you ever resolved to be less stressed after reading an article about the damaging effects of having high levels of cortisol and adrenaline coursing through your veins? And then not even ten minutes later when you hear the dreaded ‘mum where is my _____ I need to take it to school today!’ you’re instantly plunged into red alert panic stations with all thoughts of being zen long gone. Does this sound familiar?

I’m sure you can easily swap out the child wanting help to find something scenario with a demand from a boss at work, a family member needing help with something etc. The list is endless.

Maybe you’ve tried multiple times to not get caught up in the stress of others but always fail. It often feels like we have no choice. It’s a foregone conclusion that no matter what we try to do, the outside influences will always drag us back to a place of stress and overwhelm. And you are 100% correct!

Don’t stop reading, hang on in there, I promise I’m not here to dash all of your hopes and make you quit on life.

However, I do need to make it crystal clear that whilst you believe this is the way the world is and you are powerless to change it, you ARE powerless to change it. Your beliefs shape your actions. If you believe this is completely out of your control then you are going to respond and act very differently than if you believe you are in control and can do something about it.

I hear you thinking, this woman was clearly at the back of the queue when brains were being handed out. Especially, as I’ve just given examples of how other people have put you into stress mode in the past and will do so again in the future. It’s not like you can tell your child ‘find it yourself kid, I refuse to leave my zen state.’ or tell your boss ‘yeah, that report you wanted was going to stress me out so I didn’t do it.’ A child’s meltdown and losing your job are not options you're willing to explore and therefore you ARE powerless to do anything about it.

Just because something has played out a certain way in the past doesn’t mean it has to be the same in the future. The only thing that needs to change is you and the whole world will change. Each one of us sees the world from our own little view. Just turning your head a millimeter will give you a completely different view of the world and therefore options in your life. Picture the miserable grumpy mean person in your office. And now picture the happy person who is always smiling and finding moments of delight in their day. They are in the same office, the same environment with the same people. Yet the happy person has feel good interactions with their colleagues whilst the miserable one has depressing interactions. The only difference is the person that is interacting with the environment and their colleagues.

It all comes down to training. Whether you wanted to or not, whether you realised it or not, you have trained the people and world how to interact with you and treat you. You know this to be true. How many times have you either experienced or heard about a child walking right past dad to come and find mum to make a request? Or if you both work, how often have the school called you, to tell you your child is sick or needs the PE bag etc brought to school and not dad? Training. Granted some is societal. I never said to my children’s school to call me and not their dad, in fact I have said the opposite, many times as I can’t answer my phone when I’m at work yet I’m still the one who gets called. Historically, women were the ones staying at home looking after the children whilst dads went to work and had little involvement in the rearing of their children. Even though this is not the set up for many parents now, society still acts as if it is, which is demonstrated through unconscious interactions like choosing to ring mum instead of dad.

In the office there are people who always get asked to do the stressful last minute urgent jobs and the ones who just seem to fanny around a bit. Whilst it may be a badge of honour that you are the one trusted with the important last minute jobs you have trained your boss and colleagues to constantly put you in these stressful situations. Whereas the fannier of the office has trained your boss and colleagues to be given the nonessential easy jobs and enjoy a stress free life. Chances are you are probably paid the same amount too. Ouch! Looking at it like this suddenly the office fannier looks like a way smarter badge to be wearing!

I love the saying ‘A lack of planning on your part does not constitute an emergency on mine.’ Why does the boss have all of these last minute stressful jobs? Because of the way they choose to plan and live their life. Granted they may have had these last minute things foisted onto them and they are simply passing it along to you. Yet, even still this chain only continues due to training. Your boss has told their boss, in their actions, that this is acceptable.

Maybe you are thinking ok, in theory I see how this works but what about my child? I can’t let them down and knowingly let them have a horrible day because they can’t find their school shoes. That’s just not fair! Isn’t it? Let’s flip this around. When they are a child you step in and do everything for them at the last minute. What happens when they move out and you aren’t there? You have taught your child learnt helplessness and robbed them of the opportunity to learn how to be organised and live a calm happy life. Their life is going to be full of last minute emergencies as they don’t know how to avoid these happening. They don’t understand why this always happens to them but not other people. I get it that you want to protect them from failing and having horrible things happen to them but that’s life. Failing is a part of life, a really valuable part that allows us to grow and achieve amazing things.

The best thing you can do is let your child fail but be there to help them through it and guide them to success next time. I’m not suggesting you deliberately go out of your way to trip them up and be unhelpful. Let’s take a missing school shoe for example as this is a scenario I am sure all parents will have been familiar with at least once.

When your child comes home they are supposed to take their shoes off and put them in the shoe box/drawer/storage rack or whatever. However, instead they choose to keep them on and wander around a bit before discarding one shoe half way up the hall and then continue to walk on a bit more, maybe chasing a sibling around before they unceremoniously dump the other one wherever they happen to be. At this point you explain why putting the shoes in their designated place is a good idea and that when it’s time to leave in the morning they will know exactly where their shoes are. Do not put them away yourself. If you notice the shoes still in random places later on, remind them a few times and again explain why it will be best to put them away. When ‘put your shoes on’ time arrives the next day and they can’t find them, direct them to the last place that you noticed them. Now is not the time to do the whole ‘told you so’ thing. It will not have the desired effect and will just make your child direct all of their anger at you. If they can’t find the shoes (or in all probability just one of them) you remain calm and tell them that this time they won’t have the correct shoes. Put them in their trainers and send them to school. Yes, even if it goes against the uniform policy and their teacher/headteacher will speak to them about it or if in secondary school it will result in a detention or even being sent home! The whole point here is to experience the consequences of their actions. Once home from school you discuss how their day went and what they could do next time to avoid feeling like this again. I guarantee they will put their shoes away. They are kids so maybe they won’t put them away as soon as they walk in but they definitely will after a reminder. They will then, as will you, benefit from stress free mornings where you don’t turn into the hulk as you drag sofas and other heavy pieces of furniture across your floors searching for a missing shoe whilst screaming I told you so and we’re going to be late again!

I can’t even begin to recall all of the times I was told to do something to avoid unnecessary pain but didn’t because I couldn’t be bothered to do things in the moment that would make my life easier in the future. However, once I’d had the painful experience I didn’t need to be lectured to sort my life out and do things a different way. I willingly did things there and then and looked forward to completing tasks to avoid future pain. This transformation only happened once I’d had the experience. If someone was always there as my safety net I wouldn’t have learnt to do things a different way. Failure is a gift, it’s an opportunity to learn.

Still not quite convinced? Let’s look back through history. As much as you think you are unique and this kind of stuff only happens to you and it’s different, it’s really not. Everything that has happened to you has happened to someone else somewhere. Yeah they might have worn different clothes and been in a different time period or location but people keep playing out the same scenarios over and over again.

In 1666 London burnt to sticks. The majority of London burnt down in the great fire of London. What started as a small fire that could have been put out quite easily was left to spread and grow due to the inactivity of those in charge who had the opportunity to do something in that moment but chose to put it off. Allowing the whole of London to burn even when people told you to act now in a small way but choosing not to because you didn’t want to be bothered with it right then is an epic failure in anyone’s book. However, it was also a great learning experience. They took the lessons learnt and put them into practice when rebuilding London. Instead of timber houses it was rebuilt with brick. There were spaces left between buildings (fire breaks) and water was easily accessible. Even from the greatest perceived failures lessons can be learnt and we can rebuild our futures with all of that learning to guide us.

Whilst training people to treat and respond to you in a different way there will undoubtedly be some push back. After all, you've trained them that the current situation is acceptable. Although you may have to push through some awkward moments, the reward when you get to the other side is so worth it.

You do have the power to respond to the stresses around you in a different way and limit these factors repeatedly popping up for you in the future. So next time you find yourself in a stressful situation, pause, breathe and think before you automatically jump in to rescue whoever is in trouble and consider if there is a better course of action to take. You may even unwittingly give someone else the gift of learning to avoid ending up in these last minute situations which causes them stress too. Looking at it this way it's actually unfair not to start training people how to treat you.

Go make a small change today and enjoy big changes in your future.

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